Politically Correct Snow White

I recently had the displeasure of seeing Return to Neverland, the sequel to Disney’s Peter Pan. In an effort to be more politically correct, the new film blatantly panders to little girls, and is basically the girl’s version of Peter Pan. The original movie, while more oriented toward boys (the Lost Boys, Indians, Pirates, etc.), appealed to both boys and girls largely due to the fact that it was a genuine movie that did not go out of its way to pander to anyone. How was the sequel you ask? Well, I went with four females and no one over the age of seven remained awake; and Peter Pan is my favorite Disney movie of all time! It is tragic how effectively political correctness sterilizes and spoils everything it is applied to. In any case, the experience inspired me to write a revised, politically correct version of the original Snow White in an effort to demonstrate the absurdity of this pseudo-philosophy yet again.

First of all, we have to change her name. Snow White has racist connotations, and may cause minorities to feel alienated. Some alternatives could be Snow Blank, Snow Rainbow, or Snow Flower. Then there are the seven dwarfs, or rather, the seven height challenged individuals. In the original movie they are all white males. Well, this will not do! We must have a token female, black, and Hispanic; we’ll leave out Asians the same way Harry Potter did until people from that continent do more to join the ranks of the begrudged minorities, and make more waves in the civil rights arena in this country. The names of the vertically challenged individuals must change as well. Dopey is too derogatory and hurtful. The simple or minimally exceptional, height challenged individual is much better. We’ll make Doc female so as to break the awful, sexist stereotype that says women aren’t as smart or as likely to be physicians as boys are. As part of the same theme, we’ll make the villain male. Rather than a witch, he’ll be the evil wizard or warlock. I thought of giving him a magical television set that he would talk to instead of a mirror, but men can be just as vain as women, right? Sleepy’s part can be extended in this new version. Here’s a great opportunity to draw attention to a newly discovered disease (i.e. narcolepsy). Oh sure, we’ve all heard of narcolepsy, but has it really been described as a disease the way it should be? Alcoholism, PMDD, and obesity are considered diseases, so why can’t narcolepsy be one also? Now those who are late for everything have an avenue by which to avoid responsibility for their shortcomings.

Grumpy, my favorite character (obviously), will be portrayed as a staunch conservative. In the liberal entertainment business, particularly the movies, it is very common and perfectly acceptable to show conservatives in a derogatory and ridiculing way. We have to understand the context behind the abhorrent acts committed by despicable people such as Andrea Yates or the S.O.B.’s that attacked us on 9-11, but conservatives get no such slack. I draw your attention once again to Berkeley University where, quite recently, members of the Hispanic organization MEChA verbally and physically attacked a Republican group on campus as they were trying to hand out fliers, and, once again, tried to steal those fliers. Anyway, I digress! The last two differently tall people, Bashful and Happy, can be an openly gay couple. This will go over well in the Novato school district, and others, where they teach grammar school kids explicitly about the homosexual lifestyle and the indoctrination, sorry, acceptance thereof. Perhaps we can add a musical number vis-à-vis a gay pride parade in which Bashful and Happy can openly display their sexuality in public for all to see as so many homosexuals feel so manically compelled to do. Also, all of the forest animals will be referred to as animal companions. Have I left out any special interests?

Some scenes will have to either be rewritten or completely cut out. For instance, the “whistle while you work” scene shows Snow White doing all of the cleaning- another sexist stereotype. Those vertically challenged people can clean their own place. This scene also ends with Sneezy letting lose a volatile sneeze resulting in everyone laughing at him. Well, that’s not nice. It sets a bad example for children watching the film who may think it is okay to laugh at people with serious medical afflictions. Also, in keeping with the popularity of the modern Hip-Hop culture, we could change the “Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho” song to “Yo-Yo, Yo-Yo”, a rap song. In the beginning of the film, Snow White sings “Someday My Prince Will Come”. Women do not need to wait around for a man to rescue and support them! What kind of message are we sending to our little girls; I’m sorry- young women? The new title could be, “I Don’t Care If My Prince Ever Comes Or Not Because I Can Support Myself Just Fine”, or how about, “Someday My Princess Will Come”?

So, there it is. I imagine that this movie would do just about as well as any other politically corrected piece of claptrap that Hollywood periodically tries to run by us. One has to wonder if they will ever realize that most Americans do not, and never will, buy into this ridiculous new age pseudo-philosophy.